A Hilarious Designer's Post

From the Trenches of In-house Design…

Posted by: Thomas Stephan
Category: Dyer Straits
Bookmark on: del.icio.us

Wait…wait…what exactly do you think you’re doing there?

Okay, stop. Just…just stop…step away from the Microsoft WordArt toolbar right now.

I mean it.

That’s right. Put the mouse down, buddy. Now what exactly were you trying to do here?

You’re trying to show me how this brochure should look? Wow. Okay…I can accept that. I get the idea. But if I recall right, I left a proof of the brochure on your desk a week ago. You were supposed to get back to me about this because it was vital and super important.

Yeah — that folder there…the one that your coffee cup’s sitting on. No, under the book. To your left. Your left. Your other left. Yes.

You didn’t like it? Is that it? You…you didn’t like it? Can I ask why?

“It’s not purpley enough?” That’s your answer to the question as to why you didn’t like it, and why it’s been a coffee cup parking lot for a week? “You just don’t like it?”

I’m sorry — lemme pick my jaw up off the floor for a second. It’s probably over here next to the other three proofs I left on your desk. Okay…I’m back.

Now…you don’t like it and it’s not ‘purpley’ enough…anything else?

It doesn’t have the photos you want on it…okay…which photos?

The ones you have on your camera…at home…that I’ve never seen nor heard of until now…right.

Okay. Well - you go ahead and get me those photos and I’ll see what I can do about the “purple issue.”

Oh, you DO have the photos? Oh good! Well that saves some time.

They’re on your phone. Your camera phone. And they’re 1 inch wide by 1 inch tall. And you want them to be 4×6 inches each.

*sigh

Okay. I tell you what. Because you’ve asked for the impossible, and you want it yesterday, and you want me to read your mind, I’m going to save myself the hassle of designing and beat you to death with this imitation leather chair in your office. I’m killing you with this chair because it’s cheap, tacky and disposable, and therefore your equal in many respects.

Please don’t scream…it’s demeaning. And nobody will hear your feeble cries for help because they’re all wearing headphones to drown out those phone calls you make where you bray about your colonoscopy and just how BIG that probe was.

I’m sorry it had to come to this, really I am. But honestly, ‘purpley’ isn’t even a word, and this is the third time you’ve used it. I’ll make you a deal though; if any of the welts I’m going to leave are the right shade of ‘purpley,’ you can take a photo with your camera phone and I’ll try to get that blown up to a usable size.

See how well things go when we communicate? Now stop dodging me…this is a small office and you’re an easy target…

10 things your IT guy wants you to know

I didn't write this article, I found it here. But if you're in IT or a computer savvy person that become the IT person by default... then you'll enjoy this!

1. If you ask me technical questions please don’t argue with me because you don’t like my answer. If you think you know more about the topic, why ask? And if I’m arguing with you…it’s because I am positive that I am correct, otherwise I’d just say “I don’t know” or give you some tips on where to look it up, I don’t have the time to just argue for the sake of it.
2. Starting a conversation by insulting yourself (i.e. “I’m such an idiot”) will not make me laugh, or feel sorry for you; all it will do is remind me that yes, you are an idiot and that I am going to hate having to talk to you. Trust me; you don’t want to start a call that way.
3. I am ok with you making mistakes, fixing them is my job. I am not ok with you lying to me about a mistake you made. It makes it much harder to resolve and thus makes my job more difficult. Be honest and we can get the problem resolved and continue on with our business.
4. There is no magic “Fix it” button. Everything takes some amount of work to fix, and not everything is worth fixing or even possible to fix. If I say that you just need to re-do a document that you accidentally deleted 2 months ago, please don’t get mad at me. I’m not ignoring your problem, and it’s not that I don’t like you, I just cant always fix everything.
5. Not everything you ask me to do is “urgent”. In fact, by marking things as “urgent” every time, you almost ensure that I treat none of it as a priority.
6. You are not the only one who needs help, and you usually don’t have the most urgent issue. Give me some time to get to your problem, it will get fixed.
7. Emailing me several times about the same issue in the same day is not only unnecessary, it’s highly annoying. Emails will stay until I delete them, I won’t delete them until I’m done with them. I will typically respond as soon as I have a useful update. If it is an urgent issue, let me know (see number 5).
8. Yes, I prefer email over telephone calls. It has nothing to do with being friendly, it’s about efficiency. It is much faster and easier for me to list out a set of questions that I need you to answer than it is for me to call and ask you them one by one. You can find the answers at your leisure and while I’m waiting I can work on other problems.
9. Yes, I seem blunt and rude. It’s not that I mean to, I just don’t have the time to sugar coat things for you. I assume we are both adults and can handle the reality of a problem. If you did something wrong, I will tell you. I don’t care that it was a mistake, because it really makes no difference to me. Don’t take it personal, I just don’t want it to happen again.
10. And finally, yes, I can read your email, I can see what web pages you look at while you are at work, yes, I can access every file on your work computer, and I can tell if you are chatting with people on an instant messenger or chat room (and can also read what you are typing). But no, I don’t do it. It’s unethical, I’m busy, and in all reality you aren’t all that interesting. So unless I am instructed to specifically monitor or investigate your actions, I don’t. There really are much more interesting things on the internet than you.